12.19.2004

my morale today is the size of a flea, and about as resistant to being stepped on. i was talking to a fellow officer of the same rank today about life over here. he's one of those "have faith in the system" guys who isn't cynical and gladly accepts, sacrificially, whatever is dished out to him - and expects everyone to do the same. i told him of some of the things that go on in our work place (morale issues, work load, general lack of leadership, guidance and common sense) and he essentially told me to suck it up and that "all of this is bigger than you and me." (of course i immediately translated that into: you are being selfish) then he said, "we are feeding the machine." and i replied, "yes, it's a factory...they use us up and spit us out when we're depleted." he told me that i had a pessimistic attitude, and i agreed, saying i hadn't always been this way. i had to get away from him as soon as possible because the anger i felt was rising up into my eyes and i didn't want to embarrass myself. he already thinks i'm a slacker b/c i yell out when things don't make sense. i guess i'll just have to suck it up, because in this war, "the play must go on."

my morning was great, by the way. i woke up and came to work, and as usual on a Sunday no one else was here (the rest of my team, save one, is under different leadership and gets the whole day off). discouraged, tired, and demoralized, i sat there reading my emails and trying my darndest to actually work through my bad attitude. i felt like my spirit was getting sucked out of me, and the more that happened, the heavier i felt. i'm losing it. i just know that if i don't get out of this attitude problem i have (which would probably take, oh, maybe a day off from this insanity?!), some day soon someone will say something that makes absolutely no sense, and instead of saying, "yes sir" i'll end up getting myself in trouble. i've lost the ability to hold it all in and just deal with it, and i'm sad to say it's probably making me look like i have a weak character.

miraculously enough, the brief i was supposed to give today to Gen Casey was cancelled (AGAIN), and so i WILL get my 6 hours off this week. imagine that. i am going to bed now, and i hope not to wake up until morning, so i can try out a new week with a more refreshed attitude. i hate being negative, but i feel like i'm falling down a spiral...

oh, get this: accountability issues, again. this morning, three of us (the others are in a different team from me, but under the same rules/commander) were here and five were taking the morning off and working the afternoon (a special privilege, and not a "right" we're told). the Sergeant Major over at Victory called asking where everyone was, and we told him that those who were supposed to be here were here, and the rest were probably at home sleeping in. he said he wanted visual accountability for EVERYONE by 0800 even on their off times (he can't wait until 1400 when everyone is here). there is just never an end to this insanity!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I feel for you and the others.

I have a question and maybe you can answer it in another posting. How does a Saregent Major out rank you? I mean I seen some 2nd LT's who weren't afraid to lock up any NCO's even if they are the LT or Col's side-kick.

I guess today's Army has changed, where NCO's tell Commission and Warrant Officers what to do???

My time in the service, NO Officer would hear any NCO say "Oh I want countability etc". They would be told to move on. The more I read of your Blog and others I see why I left and won't accept a full commission. I was even offered a Direct Commission without going to OCS.

I can't see myself listen to some 'Old Bastard' telling me what to do if he or she is wearing non officer rank. They would get my poor attitude and boot up their ass.

I commend you for expressing yourself and yes hun there is some of those officers you talked to about the morale problems and they say have faith etc, they are doomed. They allow the stress to build in or mount until it crashes around their families and personal lives which is a "BOMB" in reality.

Hang in there. You'll be home next year drinking Egg Nog with s smidge of the "Good Ole Stuff". ;-)

Have a Great Day. :-D

Vince

Anonymous said...

This too shall pass. When I was young and in the army, I couldn't wait to get out because I knew that in the real world they didn't put assholes in charge. I was wrong. No matter where you go, the powers that be rarely put the can do, thinking individuals in charge. I'm not sure, even at my age why this is, but your spirit, and I have been reading your blog for a while now, they can't take that from you. Hang in there, consider the source, focus on your memories that bring a smile to your face, and always say "yes sir" with the tone of voice that will leave no doubt in anyone's mind that you are really saying "fuck you". God bless you and stay safe.

Anonymous said...

Wow! You should be careful with your mind! I feel the smell off treachery. Just remember you’re SOLDIER! You are in the WAR (in the world of shit) and HAVE TO overcome all negatives.
The worst think is when you came back you will be another. But in for a penny, in for a pound.
Bye, Val.

joney said...

Screw Anon who said you should be careful with your mind. I was in the Army and I know how it goes but that does not mean we are not human. Whether the Army wants us to be or not. I could not imagine being over there and I thank you for doing it. Driving home everyday and listening to NPR and what is going on over there upsets me. I support the troops and the cause but that does not mean all the pain and death does not hurt. I can not imagine how hard it must be to keep ot together on a daily basis. You have every right to have bad days. Hell have a bad war if you want. War is hell not a damn tea party so you cope with it any way you need to. But try and keep your chin up because you are a hero to many of us back home.

Stay safe.

Joney

Anonymous said...

Ambotchka my dear friend,
You've been through as tough times as these before. You will endure...
I'd bet on it in a heartbeat.
Just try to stay in your box and it won't be so bad.
Howie :)