do you ever see photos of yourself of happier days and wonder...how was i ever so joyful? do you ever scorn your previous self for being happy because the darkness of the world is embalming you? i am having one of those days. or rather, years.

just a pointer: don't go on a business trip to Hawaii, alone, unless you're really happy in your relationship status, be it single or happily committed. after work today i sat on Waikiki beach, trying to read A Farewell to Arms, but was distracted by the happy Honeymooners and Vow Renewers strolling by, hand in hand. it reminded me of the mess of my life, and how i was alone, and suddenly my date with the sunset wasn't nearly as appealing. just when it would be at its orange peak, i stood up. i walked back to the hotel talking on my cell to the man my heart is wrapped around. (the man who's not sure if he loves me -- my own fault, believe me.) "wow," you say? yes, i know, i've never mentioned him before. well, i try not to bother the general public about my darker side and the hurricane of a love-life i've woken up to. it's funny; just when i say it couldn't get any worse, i am once again unpleasantly surprised.

so i cried, took a bath, stared at my sandwich, and decided to come downstairs to the "business center" of the Radisson Hotel and purge. purge till my fingers bled.

on a more positive note, i started my novel last night on the flight over here. it's amazing how much easier it is to write something when your emotions are on a rampage.