my morale today is the size of a flea, and about as resistant to being stepped on. i was talking to a fellow officer of the same rank today about life over here. he's one of those "have faith in the system" guys who isn't cynical and gladly accepts, sacrificially, whatever is dished out to him - and expects everyone to do the same. i told him of some of the things that go on in our work place (morale issues, work load, general lack of leadership, guidance and common sense) and he essentially told me to suck it up and that "all of this is bigger than you and me." (of course i immediately translated that into: you are being selfish) then he said, "we are feeding the machine." and i replied, "yes, it's a factory...they use us up and spit us out when we're depleted." he told me that i had a pessimistic attitude, and i agreed, saying i hadn't always been this way. i had to get away from him as soon as possible because the anger i felt was rising up into my eyes and i didn't want to embarrass myself. he already thinks i'm a slacker b/c i yell out when things don't make sense. i guess i'll just have to suck it up, because in this war, "the play must go on."

my morning was great, by the way. i woke up and came to work, and as usual on a Sunday no one else was here (the rest of my team, save one, is under different leadership and gets the whole day off). discouraged, tired, and demoralized, i sat there reading my emails and trying my darndest to actually work through my bad attitude. i felt like my spirit was getting sucked out of me, and the more that happened, the heavier i felt. i'm losing it. i just know that if i don't get out of this attitude problem i have (which would probably take, oh, maybe a day off from this insanity?!), some day soon someone will say something that makes absolutely no sense, and instead of saying, "yes sir" i'll end up getting myself in trouble. i've lost the ability to hold it all in and just deal with it, and i'm sad to say it's probably making me look like i have a weak character.

miraculously enough, the brief i was supposed to give today to Gen Casey was cancelled (AGAIN), and so i WILL get my 6 hours off this week. imagine that. i am going to bed now, and i hope not to wake up until morning, so i can try out a new week with a more refreshed attitude. i hate being negative, but i feel like i'm falling down a spiral...

oh, get this: accountability issues, again. this morning, three of us (the others are in a different team from me, but under the same rules/commander) were here and five were taking the morning off and working the afternoon (a special privilege, and not a "right" we're told). the Sergeant Major over at Victory called asking where everyone was, and we told him that those who were supposed to be here were here, and the rest were probably at home sleeping in. he said he wanted visual accountability for EVERYONE by 0800 even on their off times (he can't wait until 1400 when everyone is here). there is just never an end to this insanity!