3.18.2005

this has been the worst day since i left Iraq. i have broken down more times today than i can ever remember doing in one day before. i don't know what it is. so many things didn't work out today, plus it was gloomy and rainy and my roommate skimped out on me in my time of need to go to a movie with his girlfriend. now, the house is a mess with all of my belongings all about because i just unloaded my storage unit. i don't know where to put it away or how, and i don't know why i have so many (heavy) books. my dog thinks i'm insane because i keep yelling into my pillow as i get increasingly more frustrated and upset. it's too quiet here. i wish my storage unit had burned while i was away. i wasn't even able to get into it until 6 because the guys tried to deliver it too early and i was at the gym, then they came later so i had to wait all day and pay extra for them to deliver it again, and then i discovered i lost the key to the lock and had to buy some bolt cutters to open it. my roommate helped me unload it as i yelled at him for even the notion of leaving me with this mess. i became an enraged demon, willing the books to fly at him but instead getting a stitch in my back as i carried my desk upstairs. my writing desk...the one i'll write my first novel on. i thought of that, briefly, as i fumed. he left as soon as the furniture was in the door and i broke down. after screaming into my pillow and crying for half an hour, and calling for my dog who never came, i came here to purge my angry thoughts and my self-pity. now i'll do anything to get this house in perfect condition before he returns so he can feel guilty as hell. unfortunately, that is impossible, and i'll have to actually work with him on the house tomorrow and be civil. i wanted to call my friend in town, but she's got kids and really doesn't have the freedom to just run to me when i've lost it. really, it's probably funny. i can handle being in Iraq, but i can't handle being left alone with a house in mint-tornado condition. i'm half tempted to drive to Border's, sip a latte and browse through the travel section and just ignore it all. but i can't concentrate with a house like this. i don't know how he can sit through a movie right now. grrrrrrr. oh, and don't post any comments on this like, "oh now Amber, things will get better," or "having a bad day?" or "you really need to calm down" because i already know these things. tomorrow may not be as bad as today -- it may not rain, or i may get one room organized, or a gorgeous man may knock on my door and whisk me off to a movie while my roommate has to organize. yes, that would be better.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

If you can handle being in Iraq you can certainly handle this challenge :) Screaming into your pillow and crying won't help so take a breather, and break the problem down. Show your room mate that you can handle this without him...and without trying to make him feel guilty about it.
Brit #9

Red said...

I'll give advice too... it is okay to feel this way but now you need to find out what little thing you can do to feel better. Maybe going to borders eventhough you can't concentrate would work. Do something that is one hundred percent just for you. It can be something tiny or something large. Just do it. Right now getting the house in shape is for both you and your roommate. So decide what can you do right now that is only for YOU and go do it. The house can wait and it will make you feel better. And if your roommate comes home to a messy house than that's okay too. Really it is.