waiting is absolutely mind-wrenching. i cannot sleep through the night and i cannot do much else than sit on Matt's futon and think...and wait.

i don't know when i'm going to leave St. Louis. so far things have turned sour and i am hesitant to leave with conditions in this current state. i keep thinking.... if i wait it out, i can leave happy. Matt left this morning via amtrak for Wisconsin...but he loaned me the keys to his apartment. so i can leave whenever i want. Iveta is supposed to return on Monday. i told Dad i might go home Sunday, but now.... i don't know what i'll do.

i hope that today everything will get better. (knock on wood)

through times of big mistakes, one should always learn something. after what happened wednesday night and yesterday, the truth has finally been revealed to me. it is simple: i am self-centered. oh, believe me, people have told me that before, namely my own parents, but i just accepted it. i didn't realize what it really meant, and i never really believed them. i was willing accept some of my own faults but never that one. last night someone totally opened my eyes. suddenly things flashed through my brain ~ things i have done without thinking of others. i'm not really selfish, i mean, i am not a mean person who doesn't care about other people. that's not it. i DO care of other people. my problem is that i just don't think of other people on a daily basis. i'm in my own little world...and if i think i can fix things my own way (putting aside what other people really want and how they think) i'll do it.

this is awful, but it is something easily fixed. i don't have to grow another arm or anything. i just have to begin thinking of others. i'm sure that it will quickly improve my own life as well as those of my friends. therefore, i have a lot of growing up to do right now, and as quickly as i can. last night was awful, and i'm afraid i destroyed something very special, but it made me realize what was really going on in my head, or rather, behind my own mind. and now i am alone, but ... well i need this time to sort things out. i do not ever want to hurt someone again. i do not ever want to do something that will push the feelings of other out of the picture as i focus on my own thoughts, my own world, my own solutions.

today i'm going with Matt to see A.I. i'm excited. Kubrick (posthumously) and Spielburg. awesome.

yes i am still (amazingly) posting stuff on here. unbelievable.

i'm in St. Louis. drove up here Monday.

ever say something casually....and have it turn out to change everything? oh i feel awful right now. my friend Matt has stuck me in his apartment for the day, while he is at work...my prescription for my sadness is to read and listen to The Cure. i almost fell asleep, so here i am. typing away. coming to St. Louis was the best thing for me, until last night. but i have faith and hope my "little" situation will turn out ok. at least.... i hope.

i heard a good joke today: Someone asked Hemingway why the chicken crossed the road. his reply was, "to die. in the rain." isn't that hillarious? ah. dark humour of the great man that wrote of bulls, fish, and crazy women.

i am so unbelievably depressed today, and yet.... i am alive, and i know it can't get worse. it has to improve.
my strength is here with me. amazing how much stronger i am now compared to last January.

i decided i can still say i "grew up" in Charleston. but i "matured" here, in St. Louis. it's the hardest thing i've attempted.

this is my last post in Russia....

i'll begin with Monday: after school we (Vlad, Valerii, and me) got in Vlad's car and started off for Peterhoff. note, started off. just after i was done thinking, "gee, maybe i won't have to take the metro home tonight" BOOM we got slammed into. i'm glad i was wearing my seatbelt because it kept me from breaking my nose on the dashboard. we got out, surveyed the damage (the car behind us hit us so hard we slammed into the one in front of us), and waited for several hours for the DPS (police) to come. i didn't mind waiting because it was interesting. of course, my neck and back hurt a bit from the impact. it still hurts, but getting better. (mom-- wanna make an appt for me with a chiropractor? i've always wanted one...) after everything was taken care of, i got a lift to the metro station. shows me for thinking i'd get a ride home. at least the guys were entertaining and conversant.

Tuesday: i realized i left my journal in the car. then Vlad and Valerii took me (by bus) to Peterhoff and it was raining....so the fountains were mostly turned off. i did get to talk to some Japanese tourists, though. then we went to a cafe and has shashlik (shishkebob).

Wednesday: we went to the Russian Navy Museum after school and then i walked around, had dinner by myself, and exchanged some money. then i started to feel nauseated and went home. everyone was meeting at a dance club, but by the time i got home i felt sick and just wanted to go to bed.

today: language exam. i don't know what's going on later.

tomorrow: more class !!! and then we leave around 4 for the airport and leave Russia at 1920. then i go to Frankfurt for the night, and leave Germany around 1pm, and then get home, in Charleston, around 1830. (Yes, Hazel, I'll need you to pick me up.)

now...i must go take my exam and try to stay awake. i'm tired. i don't feel so hot, and well frankly.... yes. i'll admit it. just this once. i want to go home. (it's just a passing feeling, i'm sure i'll deny it later.) ;) so...i'll get tougher and be back online Saturday night.

Fare Thee Well

i think perhaps the most annoying thing right now is not being able to access my emails. so...anyone with anything important send it to ambotchka@yahoo.com...

this saturday i went on a picnic.... again i thought i was going to a forest and ended up going to a place that was totally flat, no trees, lots of grasses and trash. as Tanya said, "it's not the location that is important, but the conversation." --- quite Russian.
yesterday i went to Novgorod.... i really liked the monastery. i bought myself a silver ring for $2 that has something written in Russian about God saving me and the world...but within hours it turned my finger black (that's what i get for being cheap).

i am frustrated today. grrr. hopefully it will get better... at 5pm i am meeting Vlad and his friend. they want to celebrate because today is the last final exam (they're going to be psychiatrists). i'm not sure what we'll be doing, but i hope we eat somewhere. i'm starving. right now it's 2:20. i was going to go home, freshen up, etc...but i decided to check out some stuff with Kari...she wants to get a really big, expensive Matrioshka for her dad (he's paying her back). i need to look at tea sets for Claire. i don't know how i'll carry them back, but i'll find a way. tonight whenever i get home i'm going to pack up and see how much room i have in my bags. i still have hundreds of dollars left! this truly shows how much cheaper it is here. i've lived it well and bought lots of things... and i am under budget. if i had been stringent i could have probably survived off of $200 the whole month...that is, if i didn't buy lots of things. i've bought lots of books and videos in Russian so i can keep it going strong when i get back....

started dieting. these girls here.... they don't make clothes in my size. in America, i'm a 10. i don't understand. i haven't seen a babushka around that isn't fat. but the girls my age are rails. does this happen overnight?

ok. too mad about emails. i'll check this one more time before i go home, probably tomorrow... i leave Friday night.

Paka!