the visitation was today... there were pictures all around the funeral home of Uncle Larry... it was so sad. hundreds of people came. the funeral director said it was unusual...so many people..."this only happens a few times a year" just goes to show... i replied that he was just that special. i don't think there was a soul who didn't love him.

i'm keeping Aunt Linda up with the typing. (of course she could close her door)
tomorrow is the memorial service. i'm not wearing black, and neither is she. he wouldn't want that.

i wish my dad was here.

Uncle Larry died Sunday, July 1st. Mom flew immediately to St. Louis. fortunately, as you all know, i was there already ... now i am in Jefferson City with mom, Aunt Linda, my cousin Joseph, Grandma Betty, Uncle Ray, and lots of other relatives. we had to put off the memorial service until Friday, the 6th, because of Larry's sister's birthday and the 4th of July. he donated everything. so... he's not really dead then, is he?

i don't know what will happen next.

i think dad and i will climb Mount Washington in a few weeks. i hope.
i feel bad that my Uncle died... and now Joseph does not have a father. this is the first time i have ever had to deal with death, and i have come to realize that i am the type that stays silent and cries in bed. it's very "Matthews" instead of "Ellis" -- meaning, like dad's family and not like mom's. i'm amongst many women of my family....they do not stop to breathe when talking, and they spontaneously break into tears. very touching. i just can't get myself to join... i have become the hard one, the one who runs the errands and goes running to take breathers.

waiting is absolutely mind-wrenching. i cannot sleep through the night and i cannot do much else than sit on Matt's futon and think...and wait.

i don't know when i'm going to leave St. Louis. so far things have turned sour and i am hesitant to leave with conditions in this current state. i keep thinking.... if i wait it out, i can leave happy. Matt left this morning via amtrak for Wisconsin...but he loaned me the keys to his apartment. so i can leave whenever i want. Iveta is supposed to return on Monday. i told Dad i might go home Sunday, but now.... i don't know what i'll do.

i hope that today everything will get better. (knock on wood)

through times of big mistakes, one should always learn something. after what happened wednesday night and yesterday, the truth has finally been revealed to me. it is simple: i am self-centered. oh, believe me, people have told me that before, namely my own parents, but i just accepted it. i didn't realize what it really meant, and i never really believed them. i was willing accept some of my own faults but never that one. last night someone totally opened my eyes. suddenly things flashed through my brain ~ things i have done without thinking of others. i'm not really selfish, i mean, i am not a mean person who doesn't care about other people. that's not it. i DO care of other people. my problem is that i just don't think of other people on a daily basis. i'm in my own little world...and if i think i can fix things my own way (putting aside what other people really want and how they think) i'll do it.

this is awful, but it is something easily fixed. i don't have to grow another arm or anything. i just have to begin thinking of others. i'm sure that it will quickly improve my own life as well as those of my friends. therefore, i have a lot of growing up to do right now, and as quickly as i can. last night was awful, and i'm afraid i destroyed something very special, but it made me realize what was really going on in my head, or rather, behind my own mind. and now i am alone, but ... well i need this time to sort things out. i do not ever want to hurt someone again. i do not ever want to do something that will push the feelings of other out of the picture as i focus on my own thoughts, my own world, my own solutions.

today i'm going with Matt to see A.I. i'm excited. Kubrick (posthumously) and Spielburg. awesome.

yes i am still (amazingly) posting stuff on here. unbelievable.

i'm in St. Louis. drove up here Monday.

ever say something casually....and have it turn out to change everything? oh i feel awful right now. my friend Matt has stuck me in his apartment for the day, while he is at work...my prescription for my sadness is to read and listen to The Cure. i almost fell asleep, so here i am. typing away. coming to St. Louis was the best thing for me, until last night. but i have faith and hope my "little" situation will turn out ok. at least.... i hope.

i heard a good joke today: Someone asked Hemingway why the chicken crossed the road. his reply was, "to die. in the rain." isn't that hillarious? ah. dark humour of the great man that wrote of bulls, fish, and crazy women.

i am so unbelievably depressed today, and yet.... i am alive, and i know it can't get worse. it has to improve.
my strength is here with me. amazing how much stronger i am now compared to last January.

i decided i can still say i "grew up" in Charleston. but i "matured" here, in St. Louis. it's the hardest thing i've attempted.