had several strange dreams... of course, i didn't sleep much either. i kept waking up all night. i either need a fan in my room or some pills. it was so hot. also i couldn't stop thinking. so, on to my dreams: first i was at a Russian restaurant having traditional dinner, only the people who were eating with me (about 20) didn't know anything about Russia. then i got into an argument with one of the women there and i left. then i got a phone call about subscribing to "Mother's Weekly" last year and that i didn't inform Maj Lee i cancelled my subscription. very strange b/c i replied, "which Maj Lee? i know, like, three." and i knew i was lying. apparently the lady on the phone was mad b/c everyone who subscribed cancelled and the magazine was going out of business. i had no idea what kind of magazine that was, and i assumed i must have ordered it last year for Mom's Day. i was very blunt and not very nice, and neither was the girl on the phone. then....i woke up again. then i went back to sleep.... then i dreamt i was shopping in a grocery store that was surrounded by beautiful mountains. i was with Kevin, and he was shopping for a party in my honor. we went all over the place, getting normal things like eggs and milk, and he bought a plate of shrimp and i was confused b/c he can't eat shrimp and i don't like it anyway. i went and found a piece of chocolate and was unwrapping it under a pillow, on my stomach (ok, so it was a dream) and the manager of the store discovered what i was doing. he told me to take my hands out from under the pillow, only i couldn't. they were stuck. i told him i hadn't eaten anything yet and he could eat the chocolate. he said, "no go right ahead. you unwrapped it already." by then i didn't want the chocolate anymore. i went up to Kevin in the line and asked him about the shrimp and he said he wanted the noodles that were under them. very weird. i even thought it was weird in my dream. i told him about the chocolate. i felt pretty bad, and i was angry at the manager for finding out what i was doing. then i woke up again.... and i dreamt of war, again. why do i always dream of war? war and red mountains.

well it's a gorge day and i promised several people pictures of the air show so i better find some film and get going.
i ran last night. first time in forever. my foot still hurts from when i tripped on it, but running didn't bother it. i think i ran somewhere around 1.5 miles. don't run after a strawberry milkshake. it hurts.

REEP sent me a $300 check for "incidentals and lunches" for when i am in Russia. that's nice. :) REEP is the program that is sending me, contracted with the Air Force. in ONE WEEK i will be leaving for Russia. WOOHOO! there's a lot i must do between now and then.

it is quite disturbing when a close friend is depressed because of you. especially when there is nothing you can do about it and the best thing is to let it play its course. *sigh* i despise difficulty.

i love Charleston. it's beautiful, quaint, historic. and yet...it's so difficult to get around. i am dismayed that i cannot ride my bike everywhere like in St. Louis. i used to think St. Louis was boring...and now....i wish i could return. there isn't anything here for me anymore other than my family and close friends (of which here i have two). i really think that after Russia, after my hiking trip with Dad, i will go back. i'll get a job and live at Matt's as his maid -- if that works out it'll be great. of course my parents will object "it's your last summer...stay with us..." but i have been here what, three days? and i am already realizing there isn't anything for me to do. i would be more productive at home -- St. Louis. besides...i miss people who are there. although i do not relish the idea of getting a summer job, it is sadly inevitable.

tomorrow i will meet the Blue Angels at Stratford High School. i'm going there for an AF recruiting spiel with the Army JROTC, and then i'm going to meet the pilots. today i got buzzed by one when i was swimming in a pool. it was invigorating. after the Blue Angels thingy i'm going to Folly. i haven't been to the beach since.....last year. that's too long. i must be reunited with Mother Ocean.

i miss Kevin.

i drove twelve hours yesterday. yes America is a gorgous country. i drove through hills, mountains, valleys of flowers, and into the lowcountry. when i got to Columbia it finally got dark. i think i did well driving-wise...869 miles in twelve hours. if i hadn't stopped for lunch it would have been even better.

lots and lots of emails! gosh people! miss me or something? and just for reference: i am not dead. friday yes i went to Carbondale. it was great. had good Chinese food. Kevin's parents are great. they don't mind when i babble for ever and get off the topic. somehow my switch-back style train of thought is allowable and possibly even preferred. got to meet quite a few people that night, including some hippies that he used to live with. i am not going to tell you the filth of that place. ugh. but....their attitudes more than compensate for it. they were loving and friendly, as is expected, i assume, of all stereotypes of hippies. then Saturday we drove around the forests of Carbondale. i met another friend of Kevin's, Jim, who is a photographer. very cool guy. and speaking of Carbondale....i knew all the students were drinkers...but i did NOT know they had it so good. the scenery is breathtaking. Sunday i went shooting. i shot a 223 (i think that's what it was) with a kevlar stock. guess what? some day....i may be a really good shot. ;) i was proud of my shooting ability. i think it's genetic.

and then of course there was the drive home yesterday. everyone knows....when you are alone for at least 12 hours and you finally switch the music from something you sing to-- to something you listen to (say, from the Dixie Chicks to Mono) you begin to think. i did a LOT of thinking. i thought about this semester and how different things are. i thought of the people i made happy and the people i hurt. i thought of the crazy stuff i did, the things i almost did, and what i probably should not have done. i thought of what is going on now. i felt myself, in this moment, the middle of May 2001.....and i am happy. i have regrets, yes, but i am learning from them. they have made me who i am. i am not worrying about the future. i am not fretting over anything, actually. in the end, as everyone should think....it will be fine. if you make yourself happy today you will be happy tomorrow. i think my biggest problem is when i am too concerned about my future happiness and i forget about the present. and the present is just that -- a present, and it should be seen as such.

well so much for philosophical Amber. i am at Stratford High School on mom's computer b/c the net isn't working at home, much to my dismay. i still have to unpack. but this was most vital, second only to making sure my fish was all set up from the long drive. yes, this is Sharky's second trip to SC.

adieu

this will be my last post for a few days, until i get home and settled. i check out of uni apartments when i leave for my last final, at noon. it is now 4am. you can see i didn't plan on spending my last hours in St Louis sleeping. i gotta put a few things away and then i'm going to study Russian Lit.

this past week has been phenomenal. i don't know where to begin. except note that i am at peace with myself. content and happy, even. the weather has been just as complacent.

later today (after my final) i will be going to Carbondale with Kevin. he graduates Saturday morning, and he wants me to meet his friends there. it is going to be fun, i just know it. the perfect way to begin the perfect summer vacation.

speaking of which i wrote my longest essay in Russian ever, titled, blandly enough : My Summer. Moe Leto. i wrote it out and then went over it with Yelena so i know it's not gramatically incorrect anywhere.

my stomach is rumbling and i need to pack up. i am not overly thrilled about my drive home. the destination is good, but fourteen hours or so of driving by myself isn't exactly entertaining. well, not until i become just insane enough to start personal conversations. ;) just kidding. well no, not kidding. y'all know i'm crazy.

a phenomenal moment has occured:
i was taking a nap and dreaming about various things, and at one point i decided i had had enough of being chased around by people trying to kill me with missiles and other random terrorist attacks. i thought, "ok i've had this dream before. yes, this is adrenaline pumping, but i'm tired of it." suddenly i remember how Tom had said people can gain control in their dreams. so..i said i wanted to fly, and i started turning into a My Little Pony and flying. then i was in a room that resembled a raquetball court but had a wooden floor, a wall of mirrors, and a hand rail. i was in a ballet costume, and there was an older lady with brown hair pulled back also in a ballet costume. she was going through practices for point, and i was following along. she looked at me and said, "you're like me. my favorite time is when i'm dreaming. i can learn things and do things i've always wanted to do but can't in reality." i smiled. ballet was fun. i missed it so much. then a girl of about thirteen came in to learn also. i felt she was like i was when i was thirteen, timid and strong. i looked at the teacher and asked her what her name was. she frowned, and i said, "what? is this some dream rule? no names?" she nodded. i looked at the girl, and asked her, and she said (i think) Angela. then i looked back at the teacher and she was gone. then i was in a hospital room talking to a TV looking for her. i had a thick southern accent. i really didn't have control, as you can see, but i knew i was dreaming. it was the most exciting moment of the day. so far.