If we go down into ourselves we find that we possess exactly what we desire. --Simone Weil

i just have to make sure i remember that consistently.

what a day so far. first, i got my paper back (the one about "the Russian Idea") and got a B. i was disappointed because i really thought that paper rocked. then i answered 7 essay questions (one page each) and again turned my hand completely black. when i got back to my apartment i got a call from Stepan (from Russian class) and he said our final was today. i was shocked. i would have sworn on my life that the exam was on Thursday. (i thought "vtornik" was "chetverg" in some strange mental lapse.) hello! what could be more fun than a surprise final, right? especially when it's in one hour. then..Tom showed up and we put a lot of my boxes in his truck and drove to Dvin, the Russian restaurant we had our final in. see? this was the perfect final to not study for. i enjoyed the food and spoke Russian for two hours. it was wonderful. then it suddenly sank in....in EIGHTEEN DAYS i will be in St. Petersburg!!!

i am bored now. i have one more final, and again it's an essay exam i really don't need to prepare for. i am guessing my gpa this semester will be around a 3.5. at least, i hope. so now what do i do? oh! i'm going to go to the park. maybe the zoo. ugh. i just don't feel like going by myself today. i'm not in the "i wanna be alone" mood. i want to celebrate.

i've said before that i have an "ex." i've also talked about him. those are two different people. the first is a guy who is my closest friend, and we dated for over a year until this semester, which happened to be very rocky for me emotionally and mentally. yes can't you tell i'm unstable? anyway... this other guy i met online (ah, the cliche) a few months ago and finally met two weeks ago. i feel strange saying all this online but oh well. maybe it will provide some sort of clarification. so we met at the Grind one night and have been having great conversations ever since. i can't believe we didn't meet earlier. i am not yet sure how i feel. i am apprehensive, as i should be. it is so early. early after a long relationship, early in my encounter with him, and in a few days i will be leaving for the summer. perhaps.....i might see him when i return. all i can be sure of is that i will see him this week. on the other hand, saying goodbye to my friend (the one i just broke up with) was saddening. he said, "well this is probably the last time i'll see you until you get back" meaning in August. i feel so badly for him. he seems so sad. he says he is fine, but i know he's lying. today at the restaurant i caught him writing "T + A" on his glass in the condensation. *sigh* que sera, sera. that's all i can say. i mean, what else can i do? here i am excited about another friendship and he's wallowing. at least we all have the summer to cool off. ha. ironic. i sound so incredibly heartless. that in itself is disgusting. i am not heartless. i am just being stern. it has to be this way.

so now i shall check my mail, and listen to Les Miserables. it's that time. do svedanya

i can't study anymore. it's just useless. how does one prepare for essay tests? i'm just going to walk in and write it all out when i get there. i know enough to do well, and i should be able to BS the rest. anyway right now i'm just being lazy.
finally got Matt's website: http://www.inebriated.org/matt don't forget to check out my poems.

i don't plan on leaving until Monday, if i can get the Uni to allow me to stay that long. but...i'm all packed up. i love the sense of being in limbo... my sleeping bag is out on the bed, and i have all my clothes in my suitcase. fortunately i am leaving most of my stuff in St. Louis this time. ah less to drive home.

i should have been studying. i have a Russian Political Culture exam tomorrow at 8am EIGHT AM! i didn't have any classes that started before nine thirty this semester. what horror is this? it shall be done earlier then. yay. and then...only two more exams, and they're all Russian.

i am sure my parents want me to come home Saturday. i am not planning on it, however. i'd like to stay here as long as i can because of him.

advice for the day: don't EVER eat White Castles. ugh.

another interesting dream... but all i feel like noting was the time when Carly and i were walking next to a dry river bed and a flash flood raged through. i got knocked behind some trees as i scrambled, and Carly was ahead of me on safer ground. i lost everything i had been carrying, which included my journal and some journals my family had written a hundred years ago. (i wish those actually existed.) after the water calmed down Doug, Carly, and i went searching for anything that came to the surface. i found my journal, but not the old one, and i was crushed.